Top 5 Delayed

Sorry folks, but the Top 5 for this Friday is going to be delayed. Looks like I'll be putting together a new coffee table, end table, and wine bar. That said, its going to look fan-fucking-tastic. Pictures to come...

A Moment of Respite

Wow. No plans tonight. I think I'm pretty damn ok with not having a date tonight...just being able to chill and get a bit more stuff done around the house. Washer and dryer are finally hooked up (by the by, what in God's name are those fucking dryer exhaust hoses made of? Titanium? Diamond? Cutting those spiral wires ruined the two wire cutters I had).

Speaking of dating, I forgot all about having to get the little things that I don't normally have around the house. Little things like real cream cheese for The Advertising Chick's bagel, or Splenda and half and half for The Nursing Student's coffee. So its a trip to the grocery store tomorrow.

I need to get a grill. Any recommendations?

I need to get deck furniture. Any recommendations?

Lost fucking rocked tonight.

I get to sleep in tomorrow. I might get more than 4 hours of sleep. Congratulate me. With that said, I bid you a good fucking night.

Random Thoughts for the Week

-Here's one movie I won't be going to see. Call me homophobic if you wish, but the sight of Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhal cuddling makes my eyes bleed just a little.

-This has to be the funniest news story of the week.

-Decorating a house is expensive. Like spending $1400 in a day expensive, and still not getting 3/4 of the shit that one needs. That said, World Market rocks my nuts.

-I had to take my dad to the hospital this morning to get a colonoscopy. I'm pretty sure that under the grog of anesthesia, he's the funniest man alive. Today it was, Man, this high is awesome...Hey doc, where I can get me some of this shit (referring to the "anesthesia drug"). Last time he was in the hospital, he asked the Pakistani doctor, Hey man, where's the best Indian restaurant around here? (and if you don't know why this is fucking hilarious, go here).

-Why does it seem like all I've been doing is busting ass getting unpacked, and there still seems like just as many boxes left as when I started?

-As a rebuttal to my friend Steve America, no, I am not in love again. If I were, I'd be in Chapel Hill right now, instead of publishing this post on my blog. Besides, I haven't had enough sleep in the past 6 days to decide on original recipe or extra crispy, much less whether I want any sort of relationship.

-Speaking of lack of sleep. I'm fucking tired. And still a little delirious. The purple monkey says hello.

The Weekend Recap

Whew....best weekend EVAR? Not quite...maybe if the Panthers had won.

Friday
I was off on Friday, so I was afforded some time to unpack, get things straight, and just relax. I was able to take a run by the lake. I'm telling you, its like heaven to be able to walk out your door, take off down the road, and be running around a scenic lake within 2 minutes.

That night, The Advertising Chick came over, bearing gifts of pizza and wine, a Syrah and a Pinot Noir. Good girl. We opened the Syrah and chattted for a while. Opened the bottle of Pinot and chatted for a bit longer. Then, and since the euphemism has gained popular status, we hung pictures. I hung two myself, and she hung three, maybe four...I couldn't really tell because they were hung so close together. Heh...aren't I the clever one. Anyway, nothing like a good euphemism...or in this case, innuendo.

Saturday
The Advertising Chick stayed over and we each hung another picture. Now, having been in commited relationships for the past 8 years, I had forgotten how awkward those morning after's can be. Especially when one has things to do, places to run, football games to watch. I'm not sure how to politely say, Last night was great, but its time for you to leave. Hmm...I debated...maybe, Well, I'm getting ready to watch the UNC - State game.......alone. No, a little too harsh, methinks. I finally ended up telling a whopping lie by saying that I had my dad coming over to watch the game, and she took the hint. Maybe a bit callous, certainly dishonest, but at the same time, presumptuous on her part to feel that I didn't have things I wanted to do on Saturday. Hate me if you must.

Gametime. Prepare for the worst. Worst does not happen. UNC wins. I'm still ecstatic.

Was able to get my run in. Did I mention I have a lake next door?

Saturday night was uneventful. I never heard from Sal and Jenny NoName. Ended up talking on the phone to The Nursing Student.

Sunday
Date with The Nursing Student. We decided to meet at a quaint little cafe in Chapel Hill called Caffe Driade. Very cool place and damn good coffee. We have great conversation...I'm not sure there's a half-second lull between topics and we happen to have a lot in common...in fact, we have a metric fuckton in common. I'm pretty sure she's 24 year old, female me. After 3 good hours of coffee, bathroom breaks, and talking, we figure its time to eat. She suggests sushi. I'm floored. Now, in 19 years of dating, I've never...ever...been with someone who liked sushi. I'm liking her more and more. We head over to Brier Creek to the sushi place over there. Yes, yes, I know that's the ex-wife's stomping grounds, but I really didn't give a shit. Conversation is still rolling...crazy laughs and lots of flirting. Finish up dinner and we both feel that the date shouldn't end, so I suggest more coffee (as if I'm not bloated enough), and we head over to Caribou. Sip on an espresso and we're having a ball making fun of the dorks at the table next to us playing Magic: The Gathering. I'm not sure if a Rock Giant can beat a Black Dragon, but its funny as fuck to hear this bunch arguing about it. At this point, we are practically on top of one another...legs essentially entwined. Now, let me pause here and qualify the physical closeness (as well as what's coming up). We've been talking for a couple weeks...some deep conversations. There is an attraction there that's been building. So, back to the story. We close the coffee shop down and decide to head back to her place, as she's recorded the season premiere of Desperate Housewives. When we get there, we start to kiss. And kiss a little more. We never watch the show.

Epilogue - Monday
I drive home from Chapel Hill. I'm pretty sure I'm a man-slut. But I like this one, so that has to count for something, right? Right? Hello?

Christmas Comes Early

Holy Shit. Yes, yes...I know its rare that I'm actually wrong about something, but in this particular case, I could give two shits that I was completely off the mark. UNC beat State. Outside of the sloppy play, it was an outstanding game, with momentum swinging back and forth a few times, however, in the end, the good guys were victorious. I'm pretty sure I under-estimated Carolina and had bought into the State hype, just as every single Wolfpack fan I know had (because they sure as shit have taken every opportunity to tell anyone that would listen that they were going to go to the ACC Championship game this year). Now, I realize that the Tar Heels were likely bouyed by the rivalry, but they out-played and out-hearted the "stupposedly", "rallegedly", superior and more talented team. When all was said and done, UNC looked like the team with the Top 10 defense and the stable of highly touted running backs. Now don't get me wrong...State's D is still scary talented and their running back, Toney Baker, has the potential to be an All-American. In fact, a smart coach would run that fool 30 times a game...fortunately, Chuck Amato is not a smart coach. They'll win some games. But, they'll have to wait until next year to regain bragging rights. Until then, I'm going to sit back, soak in this win, and enjoy the hell out of this week. Peace.

Top 5 Reasons I Love My New House

Its Top 5 Friday and I know this isn't a normal Top 5. Now, I realize I've been a little single-threaded with the house thing lately, but that's been my life for the past week and half. Bear with me a while longer, and we'll get back to the good stuff. So for now...

5. Space, The Final Frontier
I have a huge garage. I have a junk room again. At least for now. Lots of closet space (including a massive walk-in that even fits all my clothes and shoes. Shut up, I'm not gay, I'm metro). A room I have no idea what to do with. When all is said and done, I'll have an exercise room, a spare bedroom, an office loft...and still have that room I have no idea what to do with. What the fuck do you do with a family room if you don't have a family? Pool table? Bar area? Shrine to Halle Berry? Hmm...

4. Coolness Factor
You know, that intangible feeling you get that just makes you look and say, sweet. Its that feeling. Same feeling I felt when I first looked at the house. Its the loft. Its the slatted wood above the fireplace and mantle. Its the cool ass plum color in the living room. Its the built in bookcases. Its the little landscaping jobby-do by the walk to the front door. Its the natural wood stain inside that's just perfect. Its the fucking acoustics in the living room that turns my sweet ass home entertainment system into a concert hall.

3. It Isn't An Apartment
Apartments blow chunks. This past 7 months in the shithole I've called home has been, shall we say, less than desirable. I mean, during my time with MZ, I didn't spend a whole lot of time there, but the past three months, I've come to resent apartment living in ways I couldn't imagine. I've been in a house since 1996, and apartment living had become a foreign concept to me. I'll talk to two examples of why I was always just a stone's throw away from going postal during these past three months. One, parking. People don't know how to park, that much is a given...any trip to the grcery store or mall will tell you that. However, when I go home, I don't want to deal with assholes who don't know how to park. Don't even mention the 3 door dings I've noticed. Two, people above you and next to you. Now, I'm going to qualify this as saying I'm a man of unequivocal patience and understanding. The tenants above me consisted of a single mom, her 15 year old son, her 8 year old son, and her 12 year old autistic daughter. That said, I can only deal with so much. Apparently, the daughter liked to spend her free time doing bellyflops from her bed onto the floor. I'm talking about all night...all day during the weekend. Oh. My. God. I never said anything...always ended up dealing with it or going somewhere, but it scarred my soul.

2. Location, Location, Location
The oft heard line from realtors around the globe. This place has it. I am across the street from a lake with a walking/running trail. I am across the street for the coolest little music venue in the Triangle, affording me the opportunity to sit on my deck, crack open an adult libation, and listen to someone like Jack Johnson. I am next door to the Cary Greenways (you know, for whenever I get my mountain bike). I am exactly 4 minutes away from shopping and 3 minutes away from the Draft House. I am closer to family and friends. Choice between Cary and Apex for shopping or restaurants. Easy access to the beltline. Choice of three decent nearby coffeeshops.

1. Its Mine
I was ok paying $650 a month for a two bedroom apartment because it afforded me the chance to save up some money. That said, its still throwing money out the window. Now I realize that as I'm paying interest on this house, its basically the same thing, but at least I get to write it off on my taxes. The equity and appreciation on the house are obviously financial benefits not realized in an apartment, so despite paying almost double what I paid at the apartment, my wallet will thank me in a few years. So that's just the practical side of having my own place. I now have a place where I can hang pictures. Decorate. Garden. (I feel like Ty -fucking- Pennington) I have a place that I can do what the hell I want to, when the hell I want to, how the hell I want to. If I want to paint a wall black, I can do it. If I want to hang my 1982 Farrah Fawcett poster in my office, I can do it. In the past eight years, I haven't really had a place that was mine, to do with what I wanted to do, in each room, outside, whenever, whereever. I do now and I relish the fact that I am home.

Whew!

Its done. I am now the proud homeowner of my fifth house. And dare I say, I think I'm the proudest of this one. I must say, despite moving only a few items myself, I'm exhausted. I'm working on 3 hours of sleep, and I believe I'm borderline delirous. At least that's what the purple monkey sitting next to me says.

I've only been in the house for 5 hours and already I love it. The folks came over and just fawned all over it. I think Dad wants to move in. LeRoy, one of the movers said, and I quote, you got tha baddest ass bachelor pad I ever seen. I have lots of work before me, but this place will be fantabulous very soon. Wait...did I say fantabulous? Who the fuck am I, Nathan Lane? What I meant to say was, this place will be off the chain, very soon. With that said, there will be a housewarming party in early November. All blog readers are invited. Except for the person who keeps visiting from Estonia. I don't like Estonians.

Ahh.....welcome home, Sethro. Welcome home.

Time To Get Lost

I don't watch much television outside of sports. In fact, I can't remember last when I sat down and actually watched for more than 15 minutes. That said, the best drama on TV has it's season premiere tonight. If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm talking about Lost. If you've never seen it, run out to your nearest Target or Best Buy and pick up Season One on DVD, then take off the rest of the day to catch up.

The premise of the show is fairly basic. Oceanic flight 815 crashes and strands 50-ish survivors on a strange deserted island full of preternatural and wonderful and creepy things. Gilligan's Island meets Twin Peaks? Maybe, just with less Bob Denver shouting, Skippppppeeeerrrrrr!. There are about 12-14 main characters, which may seem like a lot, but each episode focuses specifically on one character for the duration of that show, using flashbacks and the like to tell the character's backstory...and somehow making it relevant to the happenings on the island. I'm telling you folks, the writing on this show is the best I've seen (at least as far as drama goes). Each character is richly developed, and even the initially unlikable personalities draw you in, flirting between deprecation, sympathy, and even redemption. What goes unseen to the casual observer is even more fascinating...the intricacies that are woven into the story. There are a series of numbers that are somehow relevant to all that's happening. From a cursed winning lottery ticket to an inscription on a mysterious hatch. Plotlines, past, current, and future, are woven together seamlessly, and at least once during each show, you'll find yourself saying, Holy shit...but that was...cuz he...but she...ahhhhh, I see.

The show comes from creator J.J. Abrams, who also does Alias (which I've yet to watch, surprisingly enough because Jennifer Garner is just about balls hot). The lead writer is absolute unknown, Damon Lindelof, who came out of obscurity to write these amazing stories. How that happened is as strange as some of the plotlines. Anyway, if you enjoy character dramas, especially those with a twist of the bizarre, get home tonight, grab some popcorn, settle on the couch around 8:58pm EST, and tune to your local ABC affiliate. Or ABC-HD...yeah!

Random Thoughts for the Week

-I move on Thursday. I feel like a kid at Christmas.


-Internet dating is like online shopping, except better. I don't have to spend any money, and if I end up not liking my "purchase", I can just send it back. Of course, I've never had a pair of shoes tell me that they'd like to be worn by me, but my timing was bad because someone else just started wearing them....so maybe it isn't completely analogous.

-Ok, I'm pretty sure that I'm in love with Jessica Alba.

-There should be a national standardized test for incompentence. If you fail it, you have to take a job milking goats in Kazakhstan, or some other desolate shithole. There should never be a situation where these people have an opportunity to impact one's life up in any way. For instance, potentially causing one's mortgage loan to be delayed. Or making policies like not being able to continue using the same phone number one has had for the past 8 years, at a new house not 5 minutes away from one's current residence.

-Why do I like Dirty South rap? Its crude and mindless, but I can't help but shake my ass to it. Damn you Lil' Jon. Damn you. YEEEEEAAAAHHHH!

-I think NC State is going to whip the shit out of UNC this weekend. The games are normally close, but I just have a bad feeling about this one.

-Am I alone in feeling like everyone but me has one of those cellphone earpieces? Am I also alone in thinking that everytime I see one I think the person is wearing a hearing aid? I'm convinced that the hands-free cellphone is the trucker hat for yuppies.

-Today is National Talk Like A Pirate Day (I am not shitting you). In observance..... Arrrr! Avast ye mateys! I be in search of ale and whores...arrr!

The Weekend Recap

Friday
Get home from a run and there's a message on my VM from The Advertising Chick, asking me to call her. I do and she wants to reschedule the date to Saturday or Sunday because she's been sick for the past two days, waiting until the last minute because she thought she may end up feeling better. She sounds like ass. I say Sunday evening works for me (all the while thinking, ok, I know how these things work, so I'm not expecting much out of Sunday's date). No worries, no expectations. Well, she ends up giving me a call around 9ish to say she's sorry again. She still sounds like ass...says she feels worse. We end up talking for a good three hours...just about general shit...life, death, taxes (well, jobs and relationships were thrown in there too). Ended up being a great conversation.

...packing, of course.

Saturday
The Older Woman emails me and wonders if I really want to go out with her. I have some sort of Agent Orange induced flashback to my marriage and the insecurities I had to deal with on a daily basis. I decided to email her back and just call it off since I wasn't that into her anyway. Plus, I really didn't feel like doubling up the dates on Sunday.

The rest of the day is uneventful for the most part. Go for a run. College football. Carolina still sucks.

...more packing.

Sunday
At least the Panthers won.

I still hate packing.

Ok, so I meet The Advertising Chick at Armadillo Grill...we're both on time, which is a good sign. We pick up the conversation right where we left off on Friday night...lots of smiles and laughs. Using my superhuman powers of reading people, I can tell she's comfortable and having a good time...she's leaning in across the table, her hands are outstretched, holding onto her marguerita glass, just screaming, brush up against me! So I did. She smiles. Life is good. Dinner was excellent...their chicken tacos are out of this world and I could eat their guacamole with a spoon. Dinner ended and we decided to head over to Helios for some java. (side note: Why do I feel like I'm on Love Connection and Chuck Woolery is getting ready to make some smart ass joke.) Anyway, more good convo at the coffeeshop...did I mention they have couches there? Did I mention she smells fantastic? She's from NC, but has lived in Atlanta and Beantown within the last 6 years. Thankfully, she isn't a Red Sux fan. She says fuck in the conversation before I do. I think I like this one. So they kick us out, I walk her to her car and we hang out and talk some more. Among other things :) Great freaking kisser...which is harder to find than one might think. Anyway, figured that it was about time to wrap up about midnight-thirty, despite the desire to hang out...some joking around about moving it back to her place, but of course, I'm a gentleman. Hey, stop laughing. Bottomline, it was the best date I've had since I've been single again. We both have crazy weeks, but she offered to come over next weekend and help me hang pictures. Hang pictures....heh.

I Give Up

Every year, 'round about August, my brain shifts gears to get ready for college football season. Teams have been practicing, articles are written in the paper, the team websites are updated with all the recent information. During this brain shifting process, I also get this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach...when I was younger I thought it was gas, but it turns out, its hope. Hope that my beloved Tar Heels will make something happen in the upcoming season...that they'll have a great team. I'm beginning to wish it were just gas. In 1997, Carolina finished the season as the number 4 ranked team in the country...life was good. Since 1997, Carolina hasn't finished the season in the Top 25...life is bad. Who knows why...bad coaching, shitty administration, not getting the right recruits, bad luck, karma...I don't profess to know. All I know is, each year I have two conversations with myself, one three weeks before the season, the second, three hours before the first game. They go a little something like this:

Conversation 1
Me: You know, this could be the year. The offense looks great, defense should be very solid, we're returning 17 starters from last year. I am pumped about this team. We're going bowling this year. If its the Peach Bowl, you and I are going to Hotlanta!

Me: Yeah! You're right. And smart. And damn good looking. But I digress. I'm in agreement...this season should be awesome! Go Heels!

Conversation 2
Me: Dude, I don't know about this team. Do you really think we can be good? I mean, the schedule is murder, and you know what happens every year we get our hopes up. They're usually dashed pretty early in the season.

Me: Chill! We're going to roll this team today. I'm psyched! You always do this every year...try and bring me down right before the first game. That's ok, I still love you, and you're still smart and good looking. Now, grab me a beer and let's get ready for this game.

Same convserations this year. Same result as the past 7 years. 0-2 with losses to GT and Wisconsin. I'm pretty damn sure that some fan from Cow College got the only bright idea of his life about 8 years ago, and decided to cast some sort of redneck voodoo curse on the Heels by slaughtering all his farm animals and drinking their blood, while writing crazy-ass voodoo neck symbols on his barn wall in human feces. Whatever he did, it worked and worked well, cuz folks, the UNC Tar Heels of 05-06 suck. Again.

So, what does any fan do after a big loss? That's right...pull out the X-Box and NCAA Football 2006, recreate the game, and proceed to beat the virtual team 52-3. Take that Wisconsin and Barry Alverez! Now, someone explain to me why I'm not the coach of the Heels?

I'll carry on folks. I'm used to it by now. I'll watch every game, hoping for improvement (I'll even take some lucky bounces), but when its all said and done, I will be disappointed by season's end. Still, there's always basketball season!!

Top 5 Childhood Cartoons

Lets take a stroll down memory lane, shall we? We all had our favorite cartoons as kids, unless you had horrible fucking parents who didn't let you watch cartoons, and if that's the case, I suggest questioning your parents as to why they completely ruined your childhood. Then seek therapy. Anyway, this one was hard. There were so many that I look back fondly on, and still seek out on Cartoon Network today. I couldn't leave a few unmentioned, so I had to add an Honorable Mention category at the end.


5. The Tom & Jerry Show
Unless you were born in the mid to late 80's you know who Tom and Jerry are. Even then, there have been enough reruns for one of younger age to get acquainted with them. Classic cat chases mouse, cat catches mouse, cat beats the shit out of mouse, mouse gets away and, in turn, beats the shit out of cat. Throw in Spike the bulldog or an anthropomorphic hot chick cat every once in awhile, and comedy ensues. Formulaic, yes...but still funny as shit to this day. Plus, every once in a great while, they'd throw in an episode of Droopy. Hells yeah!


4. Johnny Quest
Coming in at number 4 is Johnny Quest. This was a tough one for me, because there were so many great Hanna-Barbera cartoons out at this time (Space Ghost, Herculoids, Mightor, et al). Two things sealed the deal for me. Number one, the theme song. It rocks. Maybe best cartoon theme song ever. Number two, Race fucking Bannon. Bad ass sidekick and Quest family friend...need a jet fixed, he's your man...need someone beat down, Race will punch an evil henchman in the mouth. It was the only Saturday morning cartoon that I can remember where people actually died. Horribly. I did hate the dog. Take him out of the show, and I may have to re-evaluate.


3. Scooby Doo, Where Are You?
Ruh-roh, Raggy! Now, lets get one thing straight. I'm talking about the old Scooby Doo...the original, where the gang went to {insert spooky place here}, split into two teams, found {insert ghost/monster/demon here}, got chased, formulated trap which went horribly unaccording to plan while still managing to catch the villain, unraveling the mystery that placed Old Farmer Jenkins as behind it all along (who then uttered the oft used line, ...and I woulda gotten away with it, if it weren't for those meddling kids and their dog!). The line is drawn when some fucking brainiac over at Hanna-Barbera decided he wanted to add more humor to the show, and added the worst cartoon character ever created, Scrappy Doo. I'm pretty sure that said brainiac was later found in a seedy hotel room with his head bashed in by a porcelain replica of the Mystery Machine.


2. Superfriends
Raise your hand if you ever played Superfriends as a kid. You did so because Superfriends was kick ass. Everyone wanted to be a Superman or Batman or Wonder Woman (oddly enough, no one ever wanted to be Robin or Aquaman, though someone's younger brother always ended up filling one of those spots). The show itself was a mainstay on Saturday morning television for twelve years. That's a long time when network execs were always looking for something new and exciting. Now, don't get me wrong, they spiced up the Superfriends every so often...kicking Wendy and Marvin to the curb early on, bringing in the absolutely useless Wonder Twins (form of, a bucket of water...form of, an eagle...ok, now what the fuck do we do?), and even bowing to Affirmitave Action and adding heros like Black Vulcan, Samurai, Hawkgirl, and Apache Chief. Still, one of the best cartoons ever, especially considering the voice over talent...Casey Kasem as Robin and Ted Knight as the Narrator.


1. Looney Tunes
Yeah, I know, kinda anti-climactic. But, how could you not put this as number one? You have the number one cartoon character of all time, Bugs Bunny, and a cast of characters too numerous to name. Hell, I could do a full post on Looney Tunes, but I'll manage in the space I have here. The animated shorts themselves were chock full of allegory and hidden innuendo, making it perfect for kids and adults alike. Some cartoons won academy awards and been selected by the National Library of Congress as Culturally Significant. Distinctive honors. That said, at the core, it was just downright funny. Hell, I can't even make any good jokes about it...in fact, I think I'm welling up a little at the great memories of sitting on the couch as a kid with my dad watching Yosemite Sam as the Black Knight, riding a stupid idjit dragon, chase Bugs around a castle to try and retrieve a singing sword. That, my friends, is pure zen. Rest in peace Tex Avery, Chuck Jones, Friz Freleng, and Mel Blanc.

Honorable Mention
Space Ghost, Fat Albert, The Herculoids, Spiderman, Captain Caveman, Speed Racer, Rocky and Bullwinkle

America.....

Fuck Yeah!! Pretty much Not Safe For Work.

I Hate Packing

About 8 years ago I learned my lesson and decided that I would never move myself again. I think its about time I adopted that mantra with regard to packing. I hate it. With a passion. I hate putting boxes together. I hate putting shit into the boxes. I hate taping boxes up. I hate that horrible fucking packing tape, that always gets re-stuck to the roll, making you have to try your damndest to peel it back off in one singular piece. I hate running out of boxes and having to make yet another trip to the grocery store to beg for boxes, or to Lowes to pay $7.29 for a large box. I hate emptying out a room and still having half a box open to put stuff in...do you close it up because there's nothing else in that room, or do you start mixing and matching, labelling it as: Miscellaneous shit that could go in any number of rooms. Don't even get me started on packing the kitchen. I'd rather have saltwater injected into my viens. The monotony of wrapping each...individual...plate...and bowl...and glass...and cup...holy shit, I want to cut my wrists just thinking about what's ahead of me. You know, there are moving companies that come in and pack all your shit, then move it. Its gotta be worth it. I'll even pay double what I'm paying the movers. I wonder if its too late...............shit, it is. They've already scheduled someone behind me, and packing would take them 2-3 extra hours. I guess I'm going to have to suck it up. Honestly, its not that bad...I only have the bedroom, bathrooms, office, and kitchen left. I'm sure I can knock that out this weekend...turn on some college football and get to it. Anyone wanna help?

Random Thoughts for the Week

-I'm pretty sure that the most annoying people on the planet are the chinese ladies that stand in front of the food court shops, hawking their chicken bits......Hey you, Mista Man! You come eat my chicken...its good. Comes with brocorreee!

-Can anyone tell me why there is only one store in the mall that carries jeans my size? I can't believe that there aren't more tall guys that wear a 30 waist and 34 inseam. I say we band together and go pillaging at the mall.

-After an epiphany while driving, I have figured out why I like short hair on women. Mary Stuart Masterson in Some Kind of Wonderful. Holy shit. News flash...she's still hot.

-Are Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey ever going to break up publicly? For fuck's sake, please get a divorce so we don't have to see Jessica's face plastered on every single magazine and TV show. I can't even walk into my neighborhood Harris Teeter grocery store without being accosted at the checkout counter by 13 magazines touting their hot expose on the new guy that's porking Simpson.

-I have two dates this weekend. One with The Advertising Chick. I'm thinking that she gets the Hot Guy Jeans. A second with The Older Woman. You know, I thought about it...I've never been out with anyone who was more than a year older than me until now. First time for everything, I guess.

-The assholes, who essentially commited euthanasia in New Orleans by leaving all of the elderly folks to die from the Katrina floodwaters, should all be beaten with a wiffle ball bat until bloody.

-I'm fucking stumped. I see MZ yesterday and she looks like she wants to cut me. No idea what the hell I did to deserve that. Hell, I haven't even stalked her or anything.

The Weekend Recap

Friday
Carla's party was great! They brought in blackjack and roulette tables, with dealers, a bartender (who, despite just having a baby, was rather yummy), and a karaoke machine. The liquor flowed, the food was excellent, lots of great conversation, and just a ton of fun. Got to meet the Carolina Hurricane's coach, Peter Laviolette, and his wife Kristen (sorry, don't have a link for her)....ended up playing Texas Hold 'Em with him for a while....great guy and just made me a bigger Hurricanes fan. Chatted with Kelly for awhile...poor thing...her boyfriend is essentially a fucktard. He apparently never goes anywhere with her unless its just them going out, and Friday night, he cancelled on her at the last minute because he was "tired". So, gave her some of my sage-like wisdom...whether she listens, well, that's up to her. Anywho, I'm pretty damn sure that I have some sort of internal switch that flips after like two drinks that makes me gravitate toward the microphone when karaoke is available. I just had to sing Summer Nights from Grease with Carla's friend Lori (um...yum!) and Love Shack with Coach's wife, Kristen. Ended up leaving early because I had to get up for my 5k.

Saturday
4:30am came early. Who the fuck scheduled the 5k the day after my sister's birthday bash!??! Anyway, the race was a blast. Finished 54 out of 231, 23:39, with a 7:37 mile. So let me just say, for my first 5k, I kicked ass. I'll start looking for the next one soon, maybe target November. Ms. Long Legs came out to cheer me on...more on that later.

Fucking Tar Heels. Redeem yourselves and beat Wisconsin next week.

So, let me just say that Coldplay is fantastic in concert. These guys are true professionals, great musicians, excellent entertainers, all while maintaining a genuine humility. Seats were fan-freaking-tastic (shout out to the ex! ...thanks MZ!) ...in fact, during the last song, Chris Martin came out in the crowd and we were like 5 feet away from him. Pops really enjoyed the concert...I really enjoyed the scenery...especially who we'll affectionately refer to as The Advertising Chick. I'll definitely be using that number...and honestly, how ripe with irony is it that these tickets were a gift from the ex, and I end up meeting a hottie? At the very least, it was a great equalizer to those fuckers playing Fix You and making me all sad and shit. Still, all-together, a great time.

Sunday
Date with Ms. Long Legs...lunch and a trip to the NC Museum of Art. Break things off afterwards. Fun day! I wasn't planning on doing it, but she asked me if anything was wrong, told me I seemed distant, so we had the chemistry discussion. She was really cool about it, as I expected her to be, which made things easier. Still, I get home, and there's an email from her waiting in my inbox....*sigh*....sweet girl.

Packed some last night. More packing tonight. More the next night. Etcetera.

Bottomline, pretty damn decent weekend. Stay tuned for more adventures...

Top 5 Movie Villain Actors

So just to clarify, these aren't the best (worst?) villains of all time...these are the guys that, if I'm the director of a big budget-type Hollywood film, they'll be my choices for the villain role. There may be some disagreement with said choices, but that's ok, I'll still be right ;)

5. John Malkovich
I struggled with this one, but the guy is just a good fucking bad guy. He hasn't been the villain in all that many movies, but the ones he's been in have been really good...honestly, how many oscars has the guy been nominated for??? Fantastic job as the assassin in the Clint Eastwood movie, In the Line of Fire. Malkovich is just perfect as the intelligent malefactor...the evil genius type. The other notable role, and don't laugh....despite the movie being one of those mindless summer flicks it had a cool bad guy....was Cyrus the Virus in Con Air. Shit man, the name alone is cool enough to warrant consideration. He's had a couple other roles as sorta-bad guys (Tom Ripley in Ripley's Game and the director in Shadow of a Vampire), but those two above just stand out.

4. Malcolm McDowell
Ok, so he's a little older now, but you just don't get any freakier and creepier than Alex DeLarge in A Clockwork Orange. Rape, assault, murder, robbery, more rape, just plain fricking scandalously evil. He's had a few other roles that cast him as a decent villain...The Cat People, I Spy, Caligula, to name a few. It shouldn't go unmentioned that he also played one of the worst serial killers of any generation in the movie Evilenko. However, the role (or should I say the dubious distinction) that cemented him on the list, was Dr. Tolian Soren in Star Trek: Generations...I mean the dude killed Captain James Tiberius Kirk. Word....that's villainy on a grand scale. The Greek god Apollo couldn't kill Capt. Kirk...that green lizard guy couldn't kill Capt. Kirk...the entire Klingon race couldn't kill Capt. Kirk...but this guy did. My hat is off to you, Mr. McDowell.

3. Kevin Spacey
Two reasons: The Usual Suspects and Se7en. I could say 'nuff said and just move on to number 2, but I'll qualify the statement. First, if you've never seen The Usual Suspects, go rent it. Now. I'll wait....ok, long enough. Spacey deserves this slot because of one scene, where Vern becomes Keyser Soze. Its just too good, especially because the movie just hinges on that one scene. As for Se7en, well, outside of Anthony Hopkins in Silence of the Lambs, I can't recall a better portrayal of a psychopathic serial killer than Spacey's John Doe. Just the stoic look on Spacey's face through most of the movie, only to unfurl a little at the end in the dialogue between he and Brad Pitt....well worth the rental price for this one. Now, if those two gems weren't enough, Mr. Spacey has been cast as the ultimate super-villain, Lex Luthor, in the upcoming Superman Returns movie. Folks, that's what I'm talking about....good call, Mr. Director.

2. Gary Oldman
Now, I know what you're saying...Gary Oldman??? But hear me out. This guy is your quintessential villain. From Lee Harvey Oswald in JFK to Dracula in Bram Stoker's Dracula to Pontius Fucking Pilot in Jesus to Satan in Beat the Devil. Anyone want to name four more dastardly characters than those? You want crazy, he can do it. You want evil, he can do it. The casting director for the Harry Potter movies obviously agrees with me since he was the main villain in the Prisoner of Azkaban. Out of this list, Oldman probably has the most impressive villain resume... the crazy, homo-gay, take-over-the-universe guy in the horribly bad The Fifth Element, the corrupt cop in The Professional, the calculating Russian in Air Force One...the list goes on. If I'm a director, and I can't get this next guy on the list, I'm calling Gary Oldman's agent.

1. Christopher Walken
Despite only playing a handful of memorable villains (Max Zorin in A View to a Kill, Max Schrek in Batman Returns, and the angel Gabriel in Prophecy), this....this is the guy I'd be casting as my villain in the blockbuster I'd be directing. He's a character actor and he's good....Chris Walken could ooze evil if the script called for it, plus he's got the charisma and presence to command attention, like you could really see him directing his cronies to take out our hero. Seriously, c'mon, how could anyone disagree with Walken as some evil genius set to take over the world. The Walken-esque eccentricities alone would be worth the price of admission. Not to mention the lines....the possibilities with the fucking evil villain monologues! ....(in my best Walken voice) Heeay...they can't stop meeee! I mean...I'm gonna take ovah tha world you knowwww. Seriousleeee. Craaazy. Ooo, I kill myself....sorry, sometimes I just get a kick out of doing that Walken impersonation. Bottomline, the guy is fucking scary in real life...like you know he's got a scalpel hidden in his coat pocket, ready to stab someone in the eye if the mood strikes him just right. Who knows...maybe he'll stab Hilary Swank in the eye as she's presenting him the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for his work in my film? That my friends, would be sofa king cool.

Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained?

So in the beginning of dating someone new, where does one draw the line on going out just one more time to see if anything develops, and just saying, there's no chemistry or attraction there so lets end it? So this new woman, the hiker, here-to-fore known as Ms. Long Legs, has a ton of great qualities...great personality, funny, sweet, tall, blond, traditionally attractive, and she's pretty damned into me (like --calling me at 11pm last night to ask if I wanted her to come cheer me on at my 5k this weekend-- into me). We actually have a lot in common, down to what we want out of a relationship. She's mature, honest, and communicates extremely well. But....well honestly, just that there's a but in there somewhere should tell me something. So, does it just go back to that basic instinctual feeling of chemistry, passion, lust, desire, attraction, (...yada, yada, yada), that's akin to love at first sight? Or, can something develop over time that's real and lasting? Shit if I know. My problem is, do I want to stick around to find out? Should I heed the adage, nothing ventured, nothing gained, or have I ventured enough? Two dates, multiple email and phone conversations, and the most I can say about her afterward is, it was great conversation. Maybe I should take a cue from my failed marriage...after all, that was essentially a six year great conversation...and move on before any more time is invested or attachment is formed?

Woof....I need a liquor drink.

Random Thoughts For The Week

-I don't care what kind of car you drive, how fantastic your car stereo is, or how hard-ass you're trying to look, if you roll into a parking lot with the windows down blasting the Goo Goo Dolls song Iris, I'm going to laugh like hell at you. And point.

-When the hell did upturned collars on polo shirts become cool? It wasn't cool in the 80's, it sure as shit isn't cool now. While you guys are turning your collars down like normal people, make sure to burn your trucker hats too.

-Is it possible to be addicted to cereal? I mean, we aren't talking about just one type, I like a variety, but I'm pretty sure I could eat it three or four times a day.

-How in God's name do radio stations know when you've broken up with a woman? Uh...lets see...next up we have some Brian McKnight with One Last Cry, followed up by Toni Braxton and Unbreak my Heart.

-Is it genetically inherent in American DNA to hate the French (post-WWII)? If not, it should be.

-I'm pretty sure that there isn't a damn thing better than a crisp Autumn day, tailgating with friends before the big game, seeing your team win said big game, keeping that perfect buzz all day long, capping it off with a dip in a hot tub with several gorgeous women. I'm still working on the hot tub thing.

The Tick

I don't know how else to say this. I found a tick on my nutsack this morning. Little bugger was just hanging out, nestled right in-between the boys. Thank God for the basic need to scratch one's mess in the morning, else he may have gorged himself for a day or three. So I pull him off, flush him, and check myself all over. Kinda made me sad...almost like I could've kept him as my pet nutsack-tick named Reginald or Horace. That said, I'm pretty sure I don't want anything munching on my nutsack unless they're female and they're hot. Anyway, I'm still trying to figure out where the hell I picked up my buddy....Kelly's dog? The hike in Umstead? Starbucks?

Spoon, fool....spoon.

I Hate Asshats

So there's a difference between assholes and asshats. Assholes are people who love to make other people's lives miserable through their own self-righteous attitudes. Fortunately, assholes are generally dumb as rocks, so they're only a minor annoyance. Asshats, on the other hand, have a little bit of intelligence, and that makes them more than a minor annoyance. The guy who owns the house I'm under contract for is an asshat. He might be king of all asshats, that is, if they have kings.

I essentially gave him a list of repairs that were recommended by both my realtor and the inspector. These are things that need to be done to sell the house, period. If he doesn't fix these things, and I back out, he's going to have to fix them for someone else. If this happens, and someone else gets this house, I'm going to find this asshat and punch him in the mouth.

To exacerbate the problem, the seller's realtor, well, she's an asshole. No, I take that back...she's just plain stupid and should have her license revoked. Or punched in the uterus...I can't decide.

I'll Be Damned...

I had completely forgotten about my blog. Poor baby (he says affectionately...) I won't forget you any more ;)

Anywho, I quit smoking today. God, I want a fucking cigarette right now, but I must have discipline...my kung fu must be stronger than the tobacco companies. I'll do it, I'm sure of that, but its tough giving something up that you still enjoy (hmm...how poignant, but more on that some other time).

I have a date in two hours. Hiking. Interesting choice for a first date, but what the hell, I'm game for anything these days. I have low/no expectations going into these things anymore. I'm almost positive that I'll find everyone I meet to be unattractive in some way because I've got these wicked high standards. That said, I'll be the crotchety old Mr. Jenkins who lives alone up on the hill before I settle for someone that isn't as close to perfect as perfect can get (ahem...that's my vision of perfect, not true perfection...I am a realist and know that no one is truly perfect).

Sooo....I'm off to fuel the body with some eats. Wish me luck on the date that I have low/no expectations on!