I Am The Devil
Or at the very least, I think I've been possessed. I'm going to opt for the former, however.
The Girlfriend and I just broke up. ~sigh~ I guess she needs a new name. Perhaps I should go back to calling her PhD Girl. Giving her the moniker of The Ex-Girlfriend just sounds wrong...a little disrespectful. God knows I've done enough of that to her.
So what happened, you ask? Well, I fucked up. Badly. That's what happened. I lied to her. Looking into her eyes, to her face, when she knew I was lying, I tried to flat out deceive her. More than that, I betrayed her trust.
Earlier this week, I received an email from a woman with whom I'd corresponded from Match several months ago. Now, this woman and I had never gone out, and there was nothing more than a little flirting on both sides; in fact, we had never even met. Three weeks ago, PhD Girl and I had run into her at the mall. I shot the woman a quick email, essentially saying, Nice to meet you. We went back and forth a couple times, but it boiled down to, Ah, funny coincidence...take care! We didn't chat again until this past Monday, where we emailed a few times, just shooting the shit. On Wednesday, she emailed and things escalated. She asked how things were going with PhD Girl. I ended up telling her things that I don't even know that I believe myself. I ended up crossing the line of flirtation to more than a dalliance. All for what? A little attention? I mean, I was happy with PhD Girl...why did I need to continue this communication with this woman? I cannot, for the life of me, answer that question. Anyway, PhD Girl saw these emails and asked me if I had been emailing her. I denied it, and at that point, lost every shred of credibility I had with her.
Entry: Integrity
Pronunciation: in-'te-gr&-tE
Function: noun
1. firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values
2. a quality that Sethro lacks
Synonym: see Honesty
Typically, I'm a very honest person. Sometimes to a fault. With PhD Girl, I seemed to forget myself. Perhaps its because I wanted to hold on to her in the face of my own guilt and iniquity. Maybe because I'm closer to that insensitive fucktard from several months ago than I thought I was. Again, another question I have no real answer to.
You see, I love PhD Girl. I loved her soon after we met. I loved her as she gathered her things and walked out of my life.
I do not deserve her...I realize that. I do not deserve any woman of note or integrity at this point in my life. Even when I have what may have been the best thing to ever happen to me right in front of my face, I find a way to fuck it up, hurting one of the most decent and sweet women I've ever known.
I'm not sure where I go from here. I do not believe I could say or do anything to make things right. Its extremely doubtful that PhD Girl would take my call. Its highly likely that she would delete any email I sent. I'm pretty sure that I need to do some serious soul-searching to understand my actions. Oddly enough, all the introspection I claim to have had, has gone down the crapper. With that said, I think dating anyone right now is out of the question. I just hope that whomever I'm with next, gets the me that I know I can be, and not this asshole confessing his sins on a blog.
The Girlfriend and I just broke up. ~sigh~ I guess she needs a new name. Perhaps I should go back to calling her PhD Girl. Giving her the moniker of The Ex-Girlfriend just sounds wrong...a little disrespectful. God knows I've done enough of that to her.
So what happened, you ask? Well, I fucked up. Badly. That's what happened. I lied to her. Looking into her eyes, to her face, when she knew I was lying, I tried to flat out deceive her. More than that, I betrayed her trust.
Earlier this week, I received an email from a woman with whom I'd corresponded from Match several months ago. Now, this woman and I had never gone out, and there was nothing more than a little flirting on both sides; in fact, we had never even met. Three weeks ago, PhD Girl and I had run into her at the mall. I shot the woman a quick email, essentially saying, Nice to meet you. We went back and forth a couple times, but it boiled down to, Ah, funny coincidence...take care! We didn't chat again until this past Monday, where we emailed a few times, just shooting the shit. On Wednesday, she emailed and things escalated. She asked how things were going with PhD Girl. I ended up telling her things that I don't even know that I believe myself. I ended up crossing the line of flirtation to more than a dalliance. All for what? A little attention? I mean, I was happy with PhD Girl...why did I need to continue this communication with this woman? I cannot, for the life of me, answer that question. Anyway, PhD Girl saw these emails and asked me if I had been emailing her. I denied it, and at that point, lost every shred of credibility I had with her.
Entry: Integrity
Pronunciation: in-'te-gr&-tE
Function: noun
1. firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values
2. a quality that Sethro lacks
Synonym: see Honesty
Typically, I'm a very honest person. Sometimes to a fault. With PhD Girl, I seemed to forget myself. Perhaps its because I wanted to hold on to her in the face of my own guilt and iniquity. Maybe because I'm closer to that insensitive fucktard from several months ago than I thought I was. Again, another question I have no real answer to.
You see, I love PhD Girl. I loved her soon after we met. I loved her as she gathered her things and walked out of my life.
I do not deserve her...I realize that. I do not deserve any woman of note or integrity at this point in my life. Even when I have what may have been the best thing to ever happen to me right in front of my face, I find a way to fuck it up, hurting one of the most decent and sweet women I've ever known.
I'm not sure where I go from here. I do not believe I could say or do anything to make things right. Its extremely doubtful that PhD Girl would take my call. Its highly likely that she would delete any email I sent. I'm pretty sure that I need to do some serious soul-searching to understand my actions. Oddly enough, all the introspection I claim to have had, has gone down the crapper. With that said, I think dating anyone right now is out of the question. I just hope that whomever I'm with next, gets the me that I know I can be, and not this asshole confessing his sins on a blog.
posted by sethro at 12:15:00 AM
8 Comments:
Wow, I'm stunned. Hope you're doing ok. I may have more to say later. Take care.
I'm very sorry to hear this, hon.
funny, my verification word is "yfuxwack".
Uggh, Sethro, I`m very sorry to hear it. It`s amazing how the proverbial shooting oneself in the foot almost always directly coincides with an increase in happiness and confidence.
I ownder whether increased happiness, confidence, sex-life, serotonin levels, etc... somehow derail our ability to keep tabsl on our actions? In theory, it`s kind of like adolescence-- neurological and hormonal chemicals go swishing around, and suddenly, we feel impervious to rules.
It`s disheartening to think that in the midst of all that infatuation/love fueled joy, that we should have to slap a pair of action-thought monitoring handcuffs on, but maybe that`s the ticket.
In any case, I`m glad that you are being introspective rather than resentful and angry here. I think that your ability to self-examine speaks volumes about your capacity for integrity. That being said, forgive yourself. Moreover, if you love PhD girl, I think you owe it to yourself to try again-- people screw up. Bare yourself out there for her, and maybe, she`ll be able to forgive you.
I`m sending compassion and sympathy through the blogosphere for ya. Hang in there, Sethro-- you aren`t a bad person.
oh wow. le sigh, sethy. well for starters you are not a bad person. you are human. and at least you realize that your mistake cost you a good girl and as long as you learn and grow from that then it's ok. i think you could let PhDGirl chill for a week and then call. Do you really want to get back together with her or is it you just wanted to be with someone? Are you prepared to have her say no or have her say yes but with stipulations? how deep is your love for her? keep your head up sethy.
Sorry that you are down. But its probably a good thing that you got this experience. Why? Well, hopefully from now on you will think about the consequences of your actions/words. The thing about lying is that the truth will eventually come out (which we all know).
Why does one lie? I believe people lie out of fear. Ask yourself what you were afraid of, Sethro. Were you afraid of not being with anyone else again? Were you afraid that you really didn't want to be in the relationship and this is how you dealt with it? Perhaps afraid that you truly were not worthy of her? Well the latter is ridiculous. We are all worthy of love from a wonderful person that enhances our lives.
Will you ever get PhD Girl back? Only time will tell. In the meantime, you have some serious questions you need to ask yourself. What do you want?
Now, don't beat yourself up too much about this breakup. We all make mistakes and you are only a loser if you don't learn from them. Don't be a loser. Work on yourself right now.
Be strong.
Hey Sethro!
Just wanted to check in-- hope you are hanging in. Let us know how you are holding up.
-Vespertine
I'm so sorry to hear that you guys broke up. :( Ditto the comments of everyone else -- you're human, you made a really really stupid mistake, you realize it and it's good that you're trying to self-evaluate and make sure it doesn't happen again.
Hang in there! Hope you're doing okay.
Damn, I feel badly for you, but at the same time, not really. But you have made me realize something. The person who fucked up is often just as hurt as the person who's fucked over.
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