Top 5 Comedic Movie Quotes
In posting the quote from Anchorman earlier this week, an idea materialized for this week's Top 5. I started thinking of all the comedies out there with great lines or quotes, and after picking myself up off the floor from laughing so hard, I decided that I had to share my top picks from some of the funniest movies ever made. Recognize, bitches.
5. Friday
So I'm actually breaking protocol on #5 here, by just including a couple quotes, out of context, from one character...but how could I not? We're talking John Witherspoon here. He may be one of the funniest men to ever grace the silver screen. His expressions, that voice, the perfect timing. I can't remember anything I've seen him in where I haven't fallen out of my chair laughing at him.
Mr. Jones: I grab a dog. I choke him and I kick the shit out of him. All day long got my foot up a dog's ass. Just bang, bang, bang up his ass. That's my pleasure.
Mr. Jones: [on toilet] Boy, get your ass in here. I smelled your shit for... 22 years. Now you can smell mine for five minutes.
Mr. Jones: [coming out of the bathroom] Don't nobody go in the bathroom for about 35, 45 minutes. Somebody open up a window.
Mr. Jones: Every time I come in the kitchen, you in the kitchen. In the goddamn refrigerator. Eatin' up all the food. All the chitlins... All the pig's feet... All the collard greens... All the hog maws. I wanna eat them chitlins... I like pigs feet.
4. Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Yeah, I know, some people just don't get the Brit humour, but I'm sorry, Monty Python is just hilarious. Smart and funny, which is a little harder to come by in many American comedies. The Holy Grail was essentially an epic version of the troupe's sketch comedy, but it worked. Oh, and it was gut-bustingly hysterical. Run awaaaaay!
Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Lancelot: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Sir Lancelot: My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Sir Lancelot: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
Sir Lancelot: Blue.
Bridgekeeper: Go on. Off you go.
Sir Lancelot: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
Sir Robin: That's easy.
Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Robin: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Sir Robin: Sir Robin of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Sir Robin: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the capital of Assyria?
Sir Robin: I don't know that. [he is thrown over the edge into the volcano]
Sir Robin: Auuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper: Stop. What... is your name?
Galahad: Sir Galahad of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Galahad: I seek the Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
Galahad: Blue. No, yel... [he is also thrown over the edge]
Galahad: auuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper: Hee hee heh. Stop. What... is your name?
King Arthur: It is Arthur, King of the Britons.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
King Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
King Arthur: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
Bridgekeeper: Huh? I... I don't know that. [he is thrown over]
Bridgekeeper: Auuuuuuuugh.
Sir Bedevere: How do know so much about swallows?
King Arthur: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.
3. Office Space
With Flair! Maybe this movie is only funny to people who work in corporate America, but fuck me, Mike Judge hits the mark with his portrayal of life at the fictional Initech. Fucking TPS reports...I hate 'em. Anyway, this quote is from the candid conversation between Peter and his neighbor Lawrence (keenly played by Diedrich Bader of Drew Carey fame).
Peter: What would you do if you had a million dollars?
Lawrence: I'll tell you what I'd do, man - two chicks at the same time, man.
Peter: That's it? If you had a million dollars, you'd do two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I had a million dollars I could hook that up, 'cause chicks dig dudes with money.
Peter: Well, not all chicks.
Lawrence: Well, the kind of chicks that'd double up on me do.
Peter: Good point.
Lawrence: What about you ... what would you do?
Peter: Besides two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Well yeah.
Peter: Nothing.
Lawrence: Nothing, huh?
Peter: I'd relax, sit on my ass all day. I would do nothing.
Lawrence: Well you don't need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Just take a look at my cousin, he's broke — don't do shit.
2. Fletch
Fantastically funny movie, and definitely Chevy Chase's best theatrical work (which ain't sayin' much). There are several quotes that I could've chosen, but I opted for the entire scene at the doctor's office. I'm certain that when I saw this for the first time (and second, and third, and...), I hurt my pancreas because I was laughing so hard.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: So where do you know Alan from?
Fletch: We play tennis together at the club.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Really. The California Racquet Club?
Fletch: Yes.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: That's my club too. I don't remember seeing you there.
Fletch: Well, I haven't played in a while because of these kidney pains.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Right. Now, how long have you been having these pains, Mr. Barber?
Fletch: That's Babar.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Two b's?
Fletch: One. B-A-B-A-R.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: That's two.
Fletch: Yeah, but not right next to each other. I thought that's what you meant.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Isn't there a children's book about an elephant named Babar?
Fletch: I don't know. I don't have any.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: No children?
Fletch: No, elephant books.
...
Dr. Joseph Dolan: You know, it's a shame about Ed.
Fletch: Oh, it was. Yeah, it was really a shame. To go so suddenly like that.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: He was dying for years.
Fletch: Sure, but... the end was very... very sudden.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: He was in intensive care for eight weeks.
Fletch: Yeah, but I mean the very end, when he died. That was extremely sudden.
...
[During the proctological exam]
Fletch: You ever do any time, Doc?
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Breathe easy.
Fletch: [singing] Mooooooon River...
Fletch: Using the whole fist, Doc?
1. Blazing Saddles
Genius. Sheer genius from comedic mastermind, Mel Brooks. So many quotes. Hell, the whole fucking movie is quotable. As a matter of fact, I'm actually going to include a few quotes, one, because its my fucking blog and I make the rules, and two, because you can't just pick one quote from Blazing Saddles. The repartee between Cleavon Little and Gene Wilder is fantastic and Slim Pickens as Taggart is absolute perfection.
[Taggart spots two workers on a hand-cart sinking into quicksand]
Taggart: Oh shit. Quick. [Lassos the hand-cart and drags it out of the quicksand]
Taggart: Dang that was lucky. Doggone near lost a four hundred dollar handcart.
...
Taggart: Break's over, boys. Don't just lay there gettin' a suntan, ain't gonna do you no good anyhow. Now take this shovel and put it to some good use.
[Bart grabs a shovel and advances on Taggart from behind]
Charlie: Don't do it, Bart.
Bart: Uh-uh, baby, I have to.
Taggart: [to Lyle] Now send a wire to the main office and tell them that I said [Bart whacks him]
Taggart: OWWW!
Lyle: Send wire, main office, tell them I said ow, gotcha.
Bart: Are we awake?
Jim: We're not sure. Are we black?
Bart: Yes, we are.
Jim: Then we're awake, but very puzzled.
...
[Jim downs a bottle of whiskey in one long guzzle]
Bart: A man drink like that and he don't eat, he is going to DIE.
Jim: When?
Bart: What's your name?
Jim: Well, my name is Jim, but most people call me... Jim.
...
Bart: You be my guest, and I be your host. What be your pleasure, Jim?
Jim: I don't know... play chess... screw...
Bart: [quickly] Let's play chess.
[Jumping up and down, snapping his fingers]
Taggert: Oooo, oooo!
Hedley: Down the hall, to your left.
Taggart: No, I got it.
Hedley: What?
Taggart: Let's kill every first born male child in Rock Ridge.
Hedley: Hmm, no, too Jewish.
[Thinks for a moment, and again starts jumping up and down, snapping his fingers again]
Taggart: I got it. I got it.
Hedley: You do?
Taggart: We'll work up a "Number 6" on 'em.
Hedley: "Number 6"? I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that one...
Taggart: Well, that's where we go a-ridin' into town, a whampin' and whompin' every livin' thing that moves within an inch of its life. Except the women folk, of course.
Hedley: You spare the women?
Taggart: NAW. We rape the shit out of them at the Number 6 Dance later on that night.
Hedley: Marvelous.
5. Friday
So I'm actually breaking protocol on #5 here, by just including a couple quotes, out of context, from one character...but how could I not? We're talking John Witherspoon here. He may be one of the funniest men to ever grace the silver screen. His expressions, that voice, the perfect timing. I can't remember anything I've seen him in where I haven't fallen out of my chair laughing at him.Mr. Jones: I grab a dog. I choke him and I kick the shit out of him. All day long got my foot up a dog's ass. Just bang, bang, bang up his ass. That's my pleasure.
Mr. Jones: [on toilet] Boy, get your ass in here. I smelled your shit for... 22 years. Now you can smell mine for five minutes.
Mr. Jones: [coming out of the bathroom] Don't nobody go in the bathroom for about 35, 45 minutes. Somebody open up a window.
Mr. Jones: Every time I come in the kitchen, you in the kitchen. In the goddamn refrigerator. Eatin' up all the food. All the chitlins... All the pig's feet... All the collard greens... All the hog maws. I wanna eat them chitlins... I like pigs feet.
4. Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Yeah, I know, some people just don't get the Brit humour, but I'm sorry, Monty Python is just hilarious. Smart and funny, which is a little harder to come by in many American comedies. The Holy Grail was essentially an epic version of the troupe's sketch comedy, but it worked. Oh, and it was gut-bustingly hysterical. Run awaaaaay!Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Lancelot: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Sir Lancelot: My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Sir Lancelot: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
Sir Lancelot: Blue.
Bridgekeeper: Go on. Off you go.
Sir Lancelot: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
Sir Robin: That's easy.
Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Robin: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Sir Robin: Sir Robin of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Sir Robin: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the capital of Assyria?
Sir Robin: I don't know that. [he is thrown over the edge into the volcano]
Sir Robin: Auuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper: Stop. What... is your name?
Galahad: Sir Galahad of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Galahad: I seek the Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
Galahad: Blue. No, yel... [he is also thrown over the edge]
Galahad: auuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper: Hee hee heh. Stop. What... is your name?
King Arthur: It is Arthur, King of the Britons.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
King Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
King Arthur: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
Bridgekeeper: Huh? I... I don't know that. [he is thrown over]
Bridgekeeper: Auuuuuuuugh.
Sir Bedevere: How do know so much about swallows?
King Arthur: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.
3. Office Space
With Flair! Maybe this movie is only funny to people who work in corporate America, but fuck me, Mike Judge hits the mark with his portrayal of life at the fictional Initech. Fucking TPS reports...I hate 'em. Anyway, this quote is from the candid conversation between Peter and his neighbor Lawrence (keenly played by Diedrich Bader of Drew Carey fame).Peter: What would you do if you had a million dollars?
Lawrence: I'll tell you what I'd do, man - two chicks at the same time, man.
Peter: That's it? If you had a million dollars, you'd do two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I had a million dollars I could hook that up, 'cause chicks dig dudes with money.
Peter: Well, not all chicks.
Lawrence: Well, the kind of chicks that'd double up on me do.
Peter: Good point.
Lawrence: What about you ... what would you do?
Peter: Besides two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Well yeah.
Peter: Nothing.
Lawrence: Nothing, huh?
Peter: I'd relax, sit on my ass all day. I would do nothing.
Lawrence: Well you don't need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Just take a look at my cousin, he's broke — don't do shit.
2. Fletch
Fantastically funny movie, and definitely Chevy Chase's best theatrical work (which ain't sayin' much). There are several quotes that I could've chosen, but I opted for the entire scene at the doctor's office. I'm certain that when I saw this for the first time (and second, and third, and...), I hurt my pancreas because I was laughing so hard.Dr. Joseph Dolan: So where do you know Alan from?
Fletch: We play tennis together at the club.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Really. The California Racquet Club?
Fletch: Yes.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: That's my club too. I don't remember seeing you there.
Fletch: Well, I haven't played in a while because of these kidney pains.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Right. Now, how long have you been having these pains, Mr. Barber?
Fletch: That's Babar.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Two b's?
Fletch: One. B-A-B-A-R.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: That's two.
Fletch: Yeah, but not right next to each other. I thought that's what you meant.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Isn't there a children's book about an elephant named Babar?
Fletch: I don't know. I don't have any.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: No children?
Fletch: No, elephant books.
...
Dr. Joseph Dolan: You know, it's a shame about Ed.
Fletch: Oh, it was. Yeah, it was really a shame. To go so suddenly like that.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: He was dying for years.
Fletch: Sure, but... the end was very... very sudden.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: He was in intensive care for eight weeks.
Fletch: Yeah, but I mean the very end, when he died. That was extremely sudden.
...
[During the proctological exam]
Fletch: You ever do any time, Doc?
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Breathe easy.
Fletch: [singing] Mooooooon River...
Fletch: Using the whole fist, Doc?
1. Blazing Saddles
Genius. Sheer genius from comedic mastermind, Mel Brooks. So many quotes. Hell, the whole fucking movie is quotable. As a matter of fact, I'm actually going to include a few quotes, one, because its my fucking blog and I make the rules, and two, because you can't just pick one quote from Blazing Saddles. The repartee between Cleavon Little and Gene Wilder is fantastic and Slim Pickens as Taggart is absolute perfection.[Taggart spots two workers on a hand-cart sinking into quicksand]
Taggart: Oh shit. Quick. [Lassos the hand-cart and drags it out of the quicksand]
Taggart: Dang that was lucky. Doggone near lost a four hundred dollar handcart.
...
Taggart: Break's over, boys. Don't just lay there gettin' a suntan, ain't gonna do you no good anyhow. Now take this shovel and put it to some good use.
[Bart grabs a shovel and advances on Taggart from behind]
Charlie: Don't do it, Bart.
Bart: Uh-uh, baby, I have to.
Taggart: [to Lyle] Now send a wire to the main office and tell them that I said [Bart whacks him]
Taggart: OWWW!
Lyle: Send wire, main office, tell them I said ow, gotcha.
Bart: Are we awake?
Jim: We're not sure. Are we black?
Bart: Yes, we are.
Jim: Then we're awake, but very puzzled.
...
[Jim downs a bottle of whiskey in one long guzzle]
Bart: A man drink like that and he don't eat, he is going to DIE.
Jim: When?
Bart: What's your name?
Jim: Well, my name is Jim, but most people call me... Jim.
...
Bart: You be my guest, and I be your host. What be your pleasure, Jim?
Jim: I don't know... play chess... screw...
Bart: [quickly] Let's play chess.
[Jumping up and down, snapping his fingers]
Taggert: Oooo, oooo!
Hedley: Down the hall, to your left.
Taggart: No, I got it.
Hedley: What?
Taggart: Let's kill every first born male child in Rock Ridge.
Hedley: Hmm, no, too Jewish.
[Thinks for a moment, and again starts jumping up and down, snapping his fingers again]
Taggart: I got it. I got it.
Hedley: You do?
Taggart: We'll work up a "Number 6" on 'em.
Hedley: "Number 6"? I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that one...
Taggart: Well, that's where we go a-ridin' into town, a whampin' and whompin' every livin' thing that moves within an inch of its life. Except the women folk, of course.
Hedley: You spare the women?
Taggart: NAW. We rape the shit out of them at the Number 6 Dance later on that night.
Hedley: Marvelous.
posted by sethro at 11:45:00 AM
11 Comments:
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I love this post!! Very funny. Ooh, ooh, ooh ... next time are you going to do the Top 5 Dramatic quotes??? If so, I'm sure the Godfather would be a top contender ...
I'll add a few: since your likeness to Samuel L is still fresh in my mind ?i shudder?....
Captain Coons:
This watch was on your Daddy's wrist when his plane was shot down over Hanoi. He was captured and put in a North Vietnamese prison camp. Now he knew if the gooks ever saw the watch it'd be confiscated. Taken away. The way your Daddy looked at it, this watch was your birthright. He'd be damned if any slopeheads were gonna put their greasy yella hands on his boy's birthright. So he hid it, in the one place he knew he could hide something; his ass. Five long years he wore this watch, up his ass. Then, just before he died of amoebic dysentery, he gave me the watch. I hid this uncomfortable hunk of metal up my ass for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little man, I give the watch to you.
_________________________________
Jules: What does Marsellus Wallace look like?
Brett: What?
Jules: [flips table out of the way] What country are you from?
Brett: What?
Jules: "What" ain't no country I ever heard of! They speak English in "What?!"
Brett: What?
Jules: English, motherfucker! Do you speak it?
Brett: Yes!
Jules: Then you know what I'm saying. Describe what Marsellus Wallace looks like!
Brett: What?
Jules: [points gun at Brett] Say "what" again! Say - "what" - again! I dare you! I double-dare you motherfucker! Say "what" one more goddamn time!
Brett: He's black.
Jules: Go on!
Brett: He's bald.
Jules: Does he look like a bitch?
Brett: What?
Jules: [Shoots Brett in the shoulder] Does he LOOK like a bitch?!
Brett: No!
Jules: Then why'd you try to fuck him like a bitch, Brett?
Brett: I didn't!
Jules: Yes, you did! Yes, you did, Brett! You tried to fuck him. And Marsellus Wallace don't like to be fucked by anybody except Mrs. Wallace. You read the Bible, Brett?
Brett: Yes!
Jules: Well, there's this passage I've got memorized that sort of fits this occasion. Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of the evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and goodwill, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper, and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee!" [shoots Brett]
David - Welcome! Monty Python fan?
Stolie - Welcome! Hmm, ok, you talked me into it. I've put Top 5 Dramatic Movie Quotes on the list for future Top 5's.
Paul - You know, I wasn't sure if Pulp Fiction qualified as a comedy or not. But you picked two of the best ones, especially Chris Walken as Coons. Hells ya! I also had a quote from The Big Lebowski that I was toying with, but couldn't decide if that was a true comedy either.
LG - Christopher Guest rocks my nuts. Especially liked Best In Show (and particularly now that I have the Pup Tart). I freaking loved Fred Willard's character in that movie:
Buck: Excuse me if this off the subject a little bit, but just take a guess at how much I can bench press. Come on, what do you think? Take a guess. 315 pounds, maxing out at 400!
Seth - cripes - I forgot about 'The Big Lebowski' - that would've been good.
Bees Knees - 'Waiting for Guffman' - finally, 1) someone else who has seen this movie 2) someone who actually liked it :))
You could more or less quote the whole movie on several of those, as far as I'm concerned.
P.S. 'Waiting for Guffman' is one of my favorite movies as well.
Perhaps one of my all-time favorite movie scenes is the old man auditioning and performing "Raging Bull". "You f-- my wife?...What?"
Pulp Fiction isn't mere comedy. It's brilliantly witty and cool, not just juvenile scatology.
It's a must-own.
YAY (re: Top 5 Dramatic Movie Quotes)!!!!!! I can't wait to read that post. :)
I agree with you %100 on your Monty Python and Mel Brooks choices! Absolutely hillarious!
Phil, Yes...I had a very difficult time pulling single scenes and/or quotes from several of those. I may have to go back and watch them all again, just for shits and giggles.
Siryn, I happen to agree, hence the lack of inclusion in the comedic movie space. Fact of the matter is, it should have its own category.
Stolie, May not be this week, but soon!
Diane, I could watch Monty Python and Mel Brooks films for hours. Young Frankenstein is another that I was close to including quotes from.
Steve, Hmm...you make a point with my failure to include Death to Smoochy, however, like Pulp Fiction, I don't believe it to be a comedy. Instead, its a dark, ruminative, dramatization on man's failure to grasp the importance of children's television. That said, here's a couple of funny fucking quotes for you...
Sheldon: Captain Kangaroo, like Jesus Christ, was someone you could really believe in. With those guys it wasn't about the bells and whistles and the rickety rackety, it was all about the work. Especially Jesus.
Buggy Ding Dong: Buggy Ding Dong will rise up from his ashes like a magnificent Phoenix! Or some other town in Arizona!
Sheldon: I loved Buggy Ding-Dong!
Nora: So did I, until he discovered the joys of Turkish black mule heroin.
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