Top 4 Fears Surrounding Commitment
...or Women And Their Crazy Rules, Part Deux.
A little change of pace to the normal Top 5 (well, Top 4 for today), but we're going to tie it into the current happenings in The Life of Sethro. So stand back...I'm about to drop some introspective dogma here, and it could get messy.
So, I spent the better part of yesterday and this morning racking my brain, trying to understand why I'm so hesitant to jump into something with the FOF, who seems to fit just about every criteria I have in a girlfriend. I believe I'm contemplative enough to understand that there will always be some hesitation in commiting to someone new after coming off a six year marriage and another eight month relationship. But, I came away from those with the realization of what I wanted, and what I didn't want, out of a partner. Knowing that, I have a sense of being ready and open to something new.
I do not fear being in a relationship. I actually like being in a relationship. I enjoy having someone to come home to, being able to share how my day went. I dig the feeling of being loved and appreciated by someone I adore. I want that sense of having my best friend and best lover by my side in all things. So no, it isn't fear of commitment.
Additionally, while I enjoy being single, I know that there's more out there than casual relationships, hot sweaty porn star sex with random women, late nights in bars, and complete and total independence. Shit. Did I just say that? I guess I did. I'm secure in being single and have no issues in needing someone to make my life complete. I do, however, want to ultimately share that life with someone.
So where does that leave me? Well, I could be wrong, but after this reflection, I feel there are these four things that may be holding me back.
4. Fear of being hurt
So after my last real relationship with MZ, I have the realization that maybe I'm not ready to put my whole self out there. Being hurt sucks ass. In all honesty, I'd rather crawl through a ditch of molten glass filled with razor blades, than to go through something like that again. Now, I'm a realist and I know the potential for being hurt will always be there in a relationship, but it doesn't necessarily make it any easier when thinking about starting something new.
3. Fear of missing out
Ok, you can hate me. Somewhere deep down in my psyche, is a fragment of the grass is always greener syndrome. I can also recognize that its driven by not wanting to settle, like I did in my marriage. I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, as long as I can understand when its happening, and make a discernment on what is real and what is perceived. Otherwise, I'll have a veritable Ouroborus of the mind and heart, potentially turning away what could be perfection had I given it a chance.
2. Fear of hurting someone else
I hate...HATE...hurting other people. In fact, as evidenced by my marriage, I'll absorb my own hurt and depression for extended periods of time, just to avoid hurting someone I care about. Its a sad state of affairs, but sometimes one just has to Man Up and do what needs to be done. Its odd. I have no issues within my job at The Evil Corporate Empire. I've given horribly shitty news in the face of horribly shitty circumstances, and not even blinked. And I care about my employees, but for some reason, I have been able to separate personal from business (outside of a few close work friends).
1. Fear of failure
I suspect that the most acute anxiety I have, is that of failing in a commited relationship. That perhaps there is some remnant of self-doubt from the two previous and unsuccessful relationships. In the former, there was a commitment that was supposed to last a lifetime. For a myriad of reasons it did not work, but simplified, we were not compatible. In the latter, we were highly compatible, but the dynamics of the situation did not lend themselves to a successful relationship. In both, there was a sense of being able to do more to save each partnership. Perhaps there is a feeling of not being able to sustain a working relationship. There's the possibility that it could be a self-fulfilling prophecy; that because I have this feeling of apprehensiveness, it acts as a black cloud over these recent affairs with AC and NS, and now possibly FOF, never allowing them a chance to develop. I have to say, if there's any accuracy to this feeling, my therapist and I need to have a heart to heart. And then I need to kick her in the shins for not picking up on these trepidations sooner.
So there you have it, folks. Oddly enough, being able to articulate these fears has helped in my own understanding of them. That said, it doesn't make things any clearer with FOF, so I'm just gonna take things as they come, enjoy getting to know her, and hope for an epiphany sometime in the near future.
A little change of pace to the normal Top 5 (well, Top 4 for today), but we're going to tie it into the current happenings in The Life of Sethro. So stand back...I'm about to drop some introspective dogma here, and it could get messy.
So, I spent the better part of yesterday and this morning racking my brain, trying to understand why I'm so hesitant to jump into something with the FOF, who seems to fit just about every criteria I have in a girlfriend. I believe I'm contemplative enough to understand that there will always be some hesitation in commiting to someone new after coming off a six year marriage and another eight month relationship. But, I came away from those with the realization of what I wanted, and what I didn't want, out of a partner. Knowing that, I have a sense of being ready and open to something new.
I do not fear being in a relationship. I actually like being in a relationship. I enjoy having someone to come home to, being able to share how my day went. I dig the feeling of being loved and appreciated by someone I adore. I want that sense of having my best friend and best lover by my side in all things. So no, it isn't fear of commitment.
Additionally, while I enjoy being single, I know that there's more out there than casual relationships, hot sweaty porn star sex with random women, late nights in bars, and complete and total independence. Shit. Did I just say that? I guess I did. I'm secure in being single and have no issues in needing someone to make my life complete. I do, however, want to ultimately share that life with someone.
So where does that leave me? Well, I could be wrong, but after this reflection, I feel there are these four things that may be holding me back.
4. Fear of being hurt
So after my last real relationship with MZ, I have the realization that maybe I'm not ready to put my whole self out there. Being hurt sucks ass. In all honesty, I'd rather crawl through a ditch of molten glass filled with razor blades, than to go through something like that again. Now, I'm a realist and I know the potential for being hurt will always be there in a relationship, but it doesn't necessarily make it any easier when thinking about starting something new.
3. Fear of missing out
Ok, you can hate me. Somewhere deep down in my psyche, is a fragment of the grass is always greener syndrome. I can also recognize that its driven by not wanting to settle, like I did in my marriage. I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, as long as I can understand when its happening, and make a discernment on what is real and what is perceived. Otherwise, I'll have a veritable Ouroborus of the mind and heart, potentially turning away what could be perfection had I given it a chance.
2. Fear of hurting someone else
I hate...HATE...hurting other people. In fact, as evidenced by my marriage, I'll absorb my own hurt and depression for extended periods of time, just to avoid hurting someone I care about. Its a sad state of affairs, but sometimes one just has to Man Up and do what needs to be done. Its odd. I have no issues within my job at The Evil Corporate Empire. I've given horribly shitty news in the face of horribly shitty circumstances, and not even blinked. And I care about my employees, but for some reason, I have been able to separate personal from business (outside of a few close work friends).
1. Fear of failure
I suspect that the most acute anxiety I have, is that of failing in a commited relationship. That perhaps there is some remnant of self-doubt from the two previous and unsuccessful relationships. In the former, there was a commitment that was supposed to last a lifetime. For a myriad of reasons it did not work, but simplified, we were not compatible. In the latter, we were highly compatible, but the dynamics of the situation did not lend themselves to a successful relationship. In both, there was a sense of being able to do more to save each partnership. Perhaps there is a feeling of not being able to sustain a working relationship. There's the possibility that it could be a self-fulfilling prophecy; that because I have this feeling of apprehensiveness, it acts as a black cloud over these recent affairs with AC and NS, and now possibly FOF, never allowing them a chance to develop. I have to say, if there's any accuracy to this feeling, my therapist and I need to have a heart to heart. And then I need to kick her in the shins for not picking up on these trepidations sooner.
So there you have it, folks. Oddly enough, being able to articulate these fears has helped in my own understanding of them. That said, it doesn't make things any clearer with FOF, so I'm just gonna take things as they come, enjoy getting to know her, and hope for an epiphany sometime in the near future.
posted by sethro at 10:12:00 AM
6 Comments:
I have nothing deep to add...just that you are not alone in having these fears. Women have them too! It's part of the human condition. The trick is to plow ahead as though one is not afraid.
I have a good feeling about you and FOF based on what you've written, so I hope you give it a chance. It would be nice if somebody's new relationship worked out :)
I love the fact that you are honest with yourself, and that you respect other people enough to not want to hurt them. Some guys really don't give a shit.
Irrational fears are conquered when you're ready, and not before then. You might miss out on something good, but you'll change when you're ready, and it's not something you can force.
In the meanwhile, maybe she'll change your mind. ;) Or at least make the choice easy.
LG - Luckily, I don't pay for my therapist, thanks to The Evil Corporate Empire. That said, introspection rocks my nuts.
Jamy - Conquering any fears, from trivial to paralyzing, shows true character. Then again, the easiest path is to ignore them and drink heavily.
Keon - Poop and relationships go hand in hand, 'cuz there's certainly a metric fuckton of shit involved in keeping a relationship afloat.
Siryn - We'll see where it leads, and since she's not pushing me to make a commitment, we've got time to see if it leads anywhere. In the meantime, anyone got a cure for the Blue Balls?
Steve - I do what I can. I'll be available Mondays and Thursdays for my Tony Robbins style classes on How To Be Sensitive And Caring In Today's Dating World, While Maintaining One's Dudeness. The latter part of the seminar includes free beer and wings. And football.
Dude,
I totally respect the introspection and appreciate the look into your psyche. Few people are open for that.
Let me give you my take on this:
You've got a girl you like, admire and enjoy being around. You guys have similar tastes in humor and enjoy each others minds. And, of course for the most important guy part, you totally dig her body and all the perks that go with that.
Why are you analyzing this? Enjoy the friendship and if it continues to progress, you'll know if you want to commit, but not just because you aren't getting any and your balls will fall off any minute. (Don't forget about Rosie and her five sisters. She got you through puberty I'm sure.) Gosh, it seems to me that you have what most people are looking for in life. Lucky little shit. Stop looking for trouble and enjoy the damn moment! I mean it, don't make me stop this car.
sethro darling, this relationship is still new so i think taking it slow is paramount for not getting your feelings hurt. and not hurting her as well. as for the sex,not to sound all after school special, but if you like her you should be ok with waiting a month or two. it won't kill you. i promise.
Carrie, you're right. I shouldn't be putting too much analyzation and rationalization into this. But, I do need that logical levelset once in awhile. I'm just enjoying things right now, and seeing what happens.
VP, are you sure it won't kill me? I've heard stories....I've heard stories...
Steve, she is now on a mission to show me that she has other things to offer outside of The Secks...better than The Secks. Better? Phwa!
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