Czechmate, Bitch!

Nicknames are curious concepts. They must be given by an acquaintance, friend, associate, family member, even an adversary. One cannot make up their own nickname. People laugh at the self-named individual, chiding them with derision. Nicknames can be a shortening, enhancement, or play on given names, like my own nickname, Sethro, or a Katherine being a Kat, or perhaps an A-Rod for NY Yankees 3rd baseman, Alex Rodriguez. They can be related to one's personal characteristics, for example, someone who continually trips over their own feet might be, Clutzy Joe, or a woman with blonde hair might be nicknamed That Blonde Whore Who Stole My Heart And Stomped On It With Her Prada Pumps, or even just Blondie. Nicknames can also derive from cultural backgrounds, ethnicities, or even regional affiliations. A person from Texas might be called Tex, or a black basketball player named Darryl Dawkins might have the coolest nickname ever in Chocolate Thunder.

This latter category is the one I currently wish I could claim. I'm an Anglo-mutt from North Carolina. Hmm. Whitebread Redneck? Just doesn't flow. But, if I hailed from Czechoslovakia, I could potentially be called The Czech. That, my friends, would be a sofa king cool nickname. There's just so much potential. To me, it just screams bad-ass. Perhaps a bodyguard for an evil mastermind plotting to take over the world. I can just see it now. The name would strike fear in do-gooders everywhere. Holy shit! Its The Czech! Lets get the fuck outta here before he breaks his foot off in our virtuous asses! I mean, there's no way I could pull that off with my current nickname. Sethro just doesn't strike fear into the heart of anyone. As a Sethro, my occupational choices are severely limited, to say, a middle manager for The Evil Corporate Empire, or an expert in hydroponic marijuana cultivation, or maybe a seedy janitor at a local high school, who pilfers undergarmets from the girl's locker room while they're in gym class. In addition to my circumscribed job options, I'm now associated with the buffoonery that is Jethro Bodeen from The Beverly Hillbillies. I can't even tell you how many times I've heard, Sethro? Oh, like Jethro from the Beverly Hillbilies. Fuckers. Why can't it be, Sethro? Oh, like Jethro Tull and his formidable skills as a flautist and rock god. Anyway, given the option, I want to hail from Czechoslovakia, be called The Czech, kill people with my bare hands, and just as I hear that second vertebrae snap on my latest victim, I wanna be able to say, Czechmate, Bitch! Word.