Phil Collins and The iPod

If I had a time machine, I know how I'd use it. To be able to go back in time to last week, and be able to punch myself in the nuts for what I've caused, would be worth all the money in the world. I hearken back to the great 80's hair band, Cinderella, and their poignant power ballad, Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone). As I told PhD Girl on Monday, every feeling of love, desire, comfort, chemistry, and connection I have for her has been validated with the real potential of losing her.

On Saturday, she responded to my text messages, emails and calls. I also took Steve America's suggestion, and tried the Peter Gabriel and a boombox move from Say Anything. 'Cept, I couldn't find any Peter Gabriel, and I don't think they sell boomboxes any longer. So I settled on some Phil Collins and my iPod. Turned way up. I'm pretty sure she could make out that it was Phil Collins (or maybe a drowning cat) from the faint, high-pitched noise coming from the iPod's earbuds. Anyway, she agreed to meet me for coffee that night, and we were able to talk. Long story short, the conversation was difficult for both of us, but at this point, she is open to the idea of working on things. That doesn't mean we are back together. It doesn't mean that there isn't the potential that she could walk out of my life tomorrow, if she so chooses. It does mean that I have the enormous task of gaining her trust, love, and respect back. I do not plan to fail. As long as PhD Girl provides me the opportunity to make this right, I will not let her down. Besides, I have identified the fact that she has superhuman mental endowments. So much so, that I'm positive that PhD Girl is the alter-ego for her superheroine, Psyclone*. She certainly ripped through me on Saturday night, and I don't particularly want to be on the other end of her brand of cerebral dynamism again.

In all seriousness, at least one issue has been identified, which will need considerable introspective focus. Its an amazing thing, how a singular personality trait, while not a basic framework used to define oneself, can have such a behemothic impact on life when it surfaces. You see, all this while, I have been exercising my demons, whereas now I must begin exorcising them. Amazing the difference a little 'e' makes in the meaning of two words. I know that I have a tremendous amount of work to do in order to understand all of these issues, to discover the fundamental cause, and then to reconstruct that part of me as whole. Focusing my guilt, shame, and loss into constructive effort will be key. Those things, along with the empathic hurt derived from PhD Girl's perspective, have eaten at me day and night so far, so its time I made use of them.

With that said, I appreciate all the advice and well-wishes from you all. I'm not sure what will happen with all this, but I do thank you for your support. Now, where's the liquor?


*Ed. note: If PhD Girl is a superheroine, I guess that makes me the archvillain? Perhaps I should be known as The Equivocator? Using my powers of deception in an attempt to take over the world?

I Am The Devil

Or at the very least, I think I've been possessed. I'm going to opt for the former, however.

The Girlfriend and I just broke up. ~sigh~ I guess she needs a new name. Perhaps I should go back to calling her PhD Girl. Giving her the moniker of The Ex-Girlfriend just sounds wrong...a little disrespectful. God knows I've done enough of that to her.

So what happened, you ask? Well, I fucked up. Badly. That's what happened. I lied to her. Looking into her eyes, to her face, when she knew I was lying, I tried to flat out deceive her. More than that, I betrayed her trust.

Earlier this week, I received an email from a woman with whom I'd corresponded from Match several months ago. Now, this woman and I had never gone out, and there was nothing more than a little flirting on both sides; in fact, we had never even met. Three weeks ago, PhD Girl and I had run into her at the mall. I shot the woman a quick email, essentially saying, Nice to meet you. We went back and forth a couple times, but it boiled down to, Ah, funny coincidence...take care! We didn't chat again until this past Monday, where we emailed a few times, just shooting the shit. On Wednesday, she emailed and things escalated. She asked how things were going with PhD Girl. I ended up telling her things that I don't even know that I believe myself. I ended up crossing the line of flirtation to more than a dalliance. All for what? A little attention? I mean, I was happy with PhD Girl...why did I need to continue this communication with this woman? I cannot, for the life of me, answer that question. Anyway, PhD Girl saw these emails and asked me if I had been emailing her. I denied it, and at that point, lost every shred of credibility I had with her.

Entry: Integrity
Pronunciation: in-'te-gr&-tE
Function: noun
1. firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values
2. a quality that Sethro lacks
Synonym: see Honesty

Typically, I'm a very honest person. Sometimes to a fault. With PhD Girl, I seemed to forget myself. Perhaps its because I wanted to hold on to her in the face of my own guilt and iniquity. Maybe because I'm closer to that insensitive fucktard from several months ago than I thought I was. Again, another question I have no real answer to.

You see, I love PhD Girl. I loved her soon after we met. I loved her as she gathered her things and walked out of my life.

I do not deserve her...I realize that. I do not deserve any woman of note or integrity at this point in my life. Even when I have what may have been the best thing to ever happen to me right in front of my face, I find a way to fuck it up, hurting one of the most decent and sweet women I've ever known.

I'm not sure where I go from here. I do not believe I could say or do anything to make things right. Its extremely doubtful that PhD Girl would take my call. Its highly likely that she would delete any email I sent. I'm pretty sure that I need to do some serious soul-searching to understand my actions. Oddly enough, all the introspection I claim to have had, has gone down the crapper. With that said, I think dating anyone right now is out of the question. I just hope that whomever I'm with next, gets the me that I know I can be, and not this asshole confessing his sins on a blog.