Vote America In 2006!
Friday night, after some deliberation and many Blue Moon's, it was decided that my good pal, Steve America would announce his candidacy for Governer of the great state of North Mexilina. I will be handling Mr. America's campaign, as his Campaign Manager Extraordinaire.
Like the great president, Abraham Lincoln, we will be running under the banner of the Whig party, believing both the Democratic and Republican parties far too entrenched in their partisan politics. We feel that the people will identify with with the core fundamentals of the party, as well as the platform on which Mr. America is running. That platform is built on improvement in the quality of life for the people of North Mexilina. Things like year round football and college basketball. Free beer and wings at every bar between the hours of 4pm and 11pm. Legalized prostitution. Repealing the antiquated practice of making shirts and shoes mandatory in public establishments. Oh, Mr. America is also promising to abolish state income tax and eliminating unemployment by bringing in new jobs, but that's sort of beside the point. Our campaign will be appeal to the simpl...erm, the common man, as well as the the middle class and those pompously rich assholes. But mostly just the common man.
Because our campaign will be grassroots, we will be basing our headquarters in the heart of our constituency, Angier, North Mexilina. We plan on visiting every county, city, and township in our great state.
Steve America will shake hands with every man in North Mexilina, providing they wash their hands with Lava brand soap. And have a 50-spot in said hands.
Steve America will call on every business in North Mexilina where the expectation is to be showered with campaign contributions. Especially Phillip-Morris, where we plan to make a multi-million dollar deal for donations in exchange for turning a blind eye to the distribution of cigarettes within our state's schools. Wait, did I say that out loud? Haha! I was just kidding. Yes...just kidding.
Steve America will visit the hospital to kiss every baby born in North Mexilina. He will also kiss the mothers of said babies (attractiveness dependent, of course).
Like the great president, Abraham Lincoln, we will be running under the banner of the Whig party, believing both the Democratic and Republican parties far too entrenched in their partisan politics. We feel that the people will identify with with the core fundamentals of the party, as well as the platform on which Mr. America is running. That platform is built on improvement in the quality of life for the people of North Mexilina. Things like year round football and college basketball. Free beer and wings at every bar between the hours of 4pm and 11pm. Legalized prostitution. Repealing the antiquated practice of making shirts and shoes mandatory in public establishments. Oh, Mr. America is also promising to abolish state income tax and eliminating unemployment by bringing in new jobs, but that's sort of beside the point. Our campaign will be appeal to the simpl...erm, the common man, as well as the the middle class and those pompously rich assholes. But mostly just the common man.
Because our campaign will be grassroots, we will be basing our headquarters in the heart of our constituency, Angier, North Mexilina. We plan on visiting every county, city, and township in our great state.
Steve America will shake hands with every man in North Mexilina, providing they wash their hands with Lava brand soap. And have a 50-spot in said hands.
Steve America will call on every business in North Mexilina where the expectation is to be showered with campaign contributions. Especially Phillip-Morris, where we plan to make a multi-million dollar deal for donations in exchange for turning a blind eye to the distribution of cigarettes within our state's schools. Wait, did I say that out loud? Haha! I was just kidding. Yes...just kidding.
Steve America will visit the hospital to kiss every baby born in North Mexilina. He will also kiss the mothers of said babies (attractiveness dependent, of course).
(artist's rendition)
Steve America will provide a Sony PSP for every child in the households that vote for him. (note: contingent on donations of Sony PSP's made to the campaign by the Sony Corporation of America)
Remember, a vote for Steve America is a vote for Truth, Justice, The American Way, Apple Pie, Mom, Cheerios, Oral Sex, and Hungry Man Buttermilk Buscuits. And Oral Sex. Not necessarily in that order.
posted by sethro at 12:06:00 PM
3 Comments:
what, like 'brokeback mountain' oral sex? Not that there's anything wrong with that... just trying to find out your key political points..
Steve, I had the same experience this weekend at a Gay Pride Rally. Apparently, if you aren't gay yourself, you can't use the words queer, homo, or bulldike. Whodathunkit?
Paul, you are forbidden to ever mention that movie on my site. But since you ask, no, we're speaking more to the Jenna Jameson style of oral sex.
Steve America wrote, "wrangling wrongly... redirection plan" -- I think that might work nationally... has a certain trueness and ring to it. Though I was already laughing at the YMCA comment.
Seth - so how was the movie? Anyone read the Boondocks last week?
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